A church had been steadily losing members on Sunday mornings...and
each of them had a different excuse as to why they missed. So, they
decided to have a "No Excuses Sunday"...& to acquaint the members with
the program, the church printed the following in their order of worship.

"No Excuse Sunday"

In order to make it posible for everyone to attend church next Sunday,
we have planned a special "No Excuse Sunday".

1. Cots will be placed in the vestibule for those who say "Sunday is my
only day to sleep in".

2. Eye drops will be available for those whose eyes are tired from
watching TV too late on Saturday night.

3. We will have steel helmets who believe the roof will cave in if they
show up for church.

4. Blankets will be furnished for those who complain that the church is
too cold. Fans will be on hand for those who say the church is too hot.

5. We will have hearing aids for the parishioners who say, "The pastor
doesn't talk loud enough". There will be cotton for those who say "The
pastor talks too loud".

6. Score cards will be available for those who wish to count the
hypocrites.

7. We guarantee that some relatives will be present for those who like
to go visiting on Sunday.

8. There will be TV dinners available for those who claim they can't go
to church, and cook dinner too.

9. One section of the church will have some trees in it for those who
see God in nature...especially on the golf course. With this in mind, a
golf course and lake will be provided for those who'd rather play golf
and fish on Sunday.

10. The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and
Easter lilies, to create a familiar environment for those who have never
seen the church without them.
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Re: No Excuses Sunday
By: Daryl Stout to All on Thu Nov 04 2021 12:04 am

Nice one!

Then there was the church that was raising money for a small repair, & with all praying & fasting sincerely, they wound up with a LOT more funds than planned, so they sent the pastor on a holiday while they worked on major upgrades (a surprise or two for all)

The pastor returned from the Carribbean well-rsted and looked forward to his first sermon in the new church.

He took his place behind the pulpit, & noticed, as usuial, people filing in to fill the rearmost pews first.

BUT, when it was full, hidden geart assemblies moved it up front & anm empty one to the back, & repeated until the entire front section was filled.

He was delighted, seeing so manyt faces(& ears) up close.

He preached on a familiar topic: the Sermon on the Mount.

He was having such a good time, seeing his parishioners up front, that when his usual cutoff at noon, passed, he was just getting waermed up, suddenly he felt a motion, as the floor, on hidden gears & a lift, dropped him into the basement, where a nice lunch spread was awaiting all.

(One of the deacons did the benediction, so all was well)
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* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

George,

He was having such a good time, seeing his parishioners up front, that when his usual cutoff at noon, passed, he was just getting waermed up, suddenly he felt a motion, as the floor, on hidden gears & a lift,
dropped him into the basement, where a nice lunch spread was awaiting
all.

I've heard a variation on that...where when he was shown how the deal
would work (so much for the "back row Baptists"...who have to come early
to get a seat <G>), he said "Wonderful!! Marvelous!!".

The reaction from the congregation was the same when he dropped into
the basement. <G>

(One of the deacons did the benediction, so all was well)

The Baptists want to get out of church early, as they're afraid
that the Methodists will beat them to lunch. <G>

Daryl

... A Sysop's phone and internet bills know no bounds...
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