A Few Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously:

Madness takes its toll; please have exact change...

We just bought a microwave fireplace...
We can spend an entire evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

To be arrested without a visa is a borderline infraction.

Did you know that manufacturing contact lenses is harder than meets
the eye?

Or that there was a guy who was fired from the orange juice
factory for lack of concentration?

For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.

Everyone knows that auctions speak louder than words, but you must
be careful when you attend. The guy in charge can hear you bid even
if you don't speak. I guess it's one place where you can still get
something for nodding. Of course you will have to stay to the bidder end.

The vegetable never taken aboard ship is a leek.

The doctor who treats anorexics says, "My patients is wearing thin."

Cloned leopards could not hunt their own food in the wild, for they
were only copy cats.

If cats could read they would paws after each claws.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck
happened.

Why does the gynecologist/doctor leave the room when you get undressed?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all
the way down to the core of the earth?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first
thingyou do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I
am an alcoholic'?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through
mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
toast to a horrible crisp no-one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and
drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good plates?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a
radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why is it thgat the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal??

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How
many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in
that slot?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first
try?

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then
what was the purpose of the bath?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if
you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

Why is it that when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the top
you always think there's still one more step?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off
the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup
is how close to the road the stuff! is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?

Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering
what the heck happened?

If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who
really is the dumber sex?

Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?

Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep
wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they are deathly
ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?

Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?

Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all there's no
sense in two people remembering the same things right?

Is the real reason women live longer then men because they don't have to
live with women?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife
told you to?
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - tbolt.synchro.net (1:19/33)