Been working through a backlog of my sources, so here's another edition on top of my earlier one:

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't," he replied.

-= 2 =-
quotables:

"According to a recent survey, 12 percent of Americans say that it's fine to cheat a little on your taxes. While the other 88 percent know not to talk to a guy with a clipboard asking them if they cheat on their taxes." -Jimmy Fallon

"Two passengers on a flight to Ibiza over the weekend reportedly had sex while in their seats. And nobody was more upset than the guy in the middle." -Seth Meyers

"Scientists have been able to create baby mice from freeze-dried mouse sperm that was kept on the International Space Station. When asked about it, the astronauts said, 'Wait a minute, so that WASN'T ice cream?'" -Conan O'Brien

"A rare fish normally found only in the Amazon was caught yesterday in a New Jersey pond. Researchers believe the fish got to New Jersey the same way as everyone else: by giving up." -Seth Meyers

"A new study found that most people can't go 10 minutes without lying. But since the study took 20 minutes nobody knows what to believe." -Jimmy Fallon

"Google is reportedly working on an update to the mobile version of its web browser to make it easier for people to use one handed. So I guess they're finally admitting what most people are using the Internet for." -Seth Meyers

"A college student in Pennsylvania is suing her school for the C+ she got in a class. She said, 'I'm suing whoever's responsible for this!' And her professor said, 'Don't you mean WHOMEVER?'" -Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll found that 10 percent of people post vacation photos on social media to make others jealous, and 100 percent of people click on them to see co-workers in a bathing suit." -Seth Meyers

"Starbucks is going to start carrying coconut milk. If you want to stay competitive in the coffee business you've got to consistently provide your customers with new ways to make their orders more annoying." -Jimmy Kimmel

"A woman in Muncie, Indiana was arrested after she stabbed her friend in the eye with a fork for taking the last rib at a barbecue. I am strongly against eye-stabbing. That being said, if you're going to stab someone in the eye, this is a reason I can get behind." -James Corden

"At the Plaza Hotel, the lights went off right before a couple exchanged vows. Even worse, the bride had just said, 'God, if this is a mistake, please give me a sign.'" -Jimmy Fallon

"At a Walmart in Minnesota, a customer had to tackle a confused deer after it wandered into the store. The deer is fine and was released back into the wild, which makes this the happiest possible ending to a story of a deer walking into one of America's largest suppliers of hunting rifles." -James Corden

-= 3 =
A wife asked her husband, "Honey, could you please run to the store and get a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."

A while later the husband returned with a case of quart milk cartons.

Staring incredulously at the 12-pack case of milk, his wife asked, "Why the hell did you buy so much milk?"

Her husband said, "They had eggs."
[makes sense to me!]

-= 4 =-
I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment.

One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.

"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."

There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.

-= 5 =-
After years being away from the Church a man begins to feel the spiritual pull again, so he decides to go to confession. He pulls aside the curtain on the confessional box, enters and sits himself down.

Inside there is an over-stuffed leather armchair next to a little mini-bar equipped with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, imported beer on ice, cigars and a box of liqueur chocolates.

He hears a priest enter the other side of the box. "Father, forgive me. It's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get out of there, you idiot. You're on my side!"

-= 6 =-
I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.

"Was anything wrong with them?" the clerk asked.

"Yes," I said. "They hurt my feelings."

-= 7 =-
When I was younger I worked in a Mom and Pop convenience store. A woman came into the store and walked straight up to me without even shopping and asked if I had baby nipples.

I told her, "no ma'am, mine are fully grown."

Luckily she got a kick out of it and I sold her the nipples for her baby bottles.

-= 8 =-
RUNNING LATE: Official Glossary

"On the way." - Still in bed.
"In the car." - In the shower.
"GPS says 35 min." - Getting ready.
"There's traffic." - Leaving the house.
"Parking now." - 15 minutes out.
"Can't find a spot." - 5 minutes out.
"Walking in." - Looking for a spot.

-= 9 =-
I just had a physical. The doctor said don't eat anything fatty.

I said, "Like bacon and cheeseburgers?"

He said, "No, Fatty, don't eat anything!"

-= 10 =-
My wife and I had just finished a meal at one of our local restaurants when I realized I'd left my wallet at home. As the wife headed to the door to retrieve her purse from the car, she told the waitress what had happened, adding, "But don't worry, I'm leaving my husband for collateral."

The waitress took one look at me and told her, "What else you got?"


Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

George,

Been working through a backlog of my sources, so here's another edition
on top of my earlier one:

You're on a roll...not sure if it's sweet...or if you're just bageling for attention. <G>

-= 1 =-

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't," he replied.

He is now!! :P

-= 2 =-

quotables:

"According to a recent survey, 12 percent of Americans say that it's
fine to cheat a little on your taxes. While the other 88 percent know
not to talk to a guy with a clipboard asking them if they cheat on
their taxes." -Jimmy Fallon

He has a button that says I.R.S. <G>

"Two passengers on a flight to Ibiza over the weekend reportedly had
sex while in their seats. And nobody was more upset than the guy in the middle." -Seth Meyers

Talk about a mile high threesome. :P

"Scientists have been able to create baby mice from freeze-dried mouse sperm that was kept on the International Space Station. When asked
about it, the astronauts said, 'Wait a minute, so that WASN'T ice
cream?'" -Conan O'Brien

<BLEAH!> Or did they come up with that on the sperm of the moment, and
I guess the reply got ejaculated...from a rather teste call. Or did they
have the balls for it, say the whole thing was just nuts, and they felt
rather peckerish about it?? (Yes, I'm in one of my nether moods this
morning <G>).

"A rare fish normally found only in the Amazon was caught yesterday in
a New Jersey pond. Researchers believe the fish got to New Jersey the
same way as everyone else: by giving up." -Seth Meyers

He should have looked for a cow put out to pasture...an Old Jersey. <G>

"A new study found that most people can't go 10 minutes without lying.
But since the study took 20 minutes nobody knows what to believe."
-Jimmy Fallon

All you have to do is look at Congress. <G>

"Google is reportedly working on an update to the mobile version of its web browser to make it easier for people to use one handed. So I guess they're finally admitting what most people are using the Internet for." -Seth Meyers

The ads are click bait, so that makes these folks master baiters. :P

"A college student in Pennsylvania is suing her school for the C+ she
got in a class. She said, 'I'm suing whoever's responsible for this!'
And her professor said, 'Don't you mean WHOMEVER?'" -Jimmy Fallon

D-Tention, because you're F-ing mad...and that's the ABC's of it.

"A new poll found that 10 percent of people post vacation photos on
social media to make others jealous, and 100 percent of people click on them to see co-workers in a bathing suit." -Seth Meyers

Life and one's friends can seem so boring at times.

"Starbucks is going to start carrying coconut milk. If you want to stay competitive in the coffee business you've got to consistently provide
your customers with new ways to make their orders more annoying."
-Jimmy Kimmel

The hurricane told the coconut tree to "hold on to your nuts, as this is going to be one heck of a blow job".

"A woman in Muncie, Indiana was arrested after she stabbed her friend
in the eye with a fork for taking the last rib at a barbecue. I am strongly against eye-stabbing. That being said, if you're going to stab someone in the eye, this is a reason I can get behind." -James Corden

Hindsight may be 20/20, but I don't have eyes in my butt. However, I wish
I did at times...so I could see if the toilet seat was down in a darkened bathroom...or if there was a chair there for when I went to sit down.

"At the Plaza Hotel, the lights went off right before a couple
exchanged vows. Even worse, the bride had just said, 'God, if this is a mistake, please give me a sign.'" -Jimmy Fallon

Here's Your Sign, Lady. <G>

"At a Walmart in Minnesota, a customer had to tackle a confused deer
after it wandered into the store. The deer is fine and was released
back into the wild, which makes this the happiest possible ending to a story of a deer walking into one of America's largest suppliers of
hunting rifles." -James Corden

Oh, deer...Ven Is Sent Back To Nature.

-= 3 =

Her husband said, "They had eggs."
[makes sense to me!]

I tried to go through the checkout line that noted "10 items or less". But, they wouldn't let me go through, because I had a dozen eggs.

-= 4 =-

There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.

Was the apprentice blonde?? They probably like it light during the day,
and dark at night.

-= 5 =-

The priest replies, "Get out of there, you idiot. You're on my side!"

Mass Mistake. <G>

-= 6 =-

I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was
too tight.

"Was anything wrong with them?" the clerk asked.

"Yes," I said. "They hurt my feelings."

Butt, I had to get to the seat of this issue.

-= 7 =-

Luckily she got a kick out of it and I sold her the nipples for her
baby bottles.

Milked that one for the breast of times, and had good mammaries from the titilating experience. <G>

-= 8 =-

RUNNING LATE: Official Glossary

Practically. Like the guy who was noted as "The late John Doe". He was
born late, late to his wedding, and will be late to his funeral.

-= 9 =-

He said, "No, Fatty, don't eat anything!"

Or as ventriloquist Paul Zerdin noted with "a talking elevator" that
scolded the occupant "Get out, Fatty!! You're too heavy!!"...followed
by "Cable Detaching". <G>

-= 10 =-

The waitress took one look at me and told her, "What else you got?"

That was rich...then again, maybe not. <G>

Daryl

... Don't iron a 4 leaf clover; Never Press Your Luck.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

You're on a roll...not sure if it's sweet...or if you're just bageling for attention. <G>

I'm partial to chocolate-whipped cream rolls, myself.

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't," he replied.

He is now!! :P

Depending on how that conversation went, I'd think.

"According to a recent survey, 12 percent of Americans say that it's fine to cheat a little on your taxes. While the other 88 percent know not to talk to a guy with a clipboard asking them if they cheat on their taxes." -Jimmy Fallon

He has a button that says I.R.S. <G>

In his pocket, of course! He's evil, not stupid.

"Two passengers on a flight to Ibiza over the weekend reportedly had sex while in their seats. And nobody was more upset than the guy in the middle." -Seth Meyers

Talk about a mile high threesome. :P

I'd've offered to switch seats to let rthem accommmodate each other better -- what do I care how they enjoy each other or when? But I dn't want anything extra in my drink, for sure, so being in the middle wouldn't work for me.

<BLEAH!> Or did they come up with that on the sperm of the moment, and
I guess the reply got ejaculated...from a rather teste call. Or did they have the balls for it, say the whole thing was just nuts, and they felt rather peckerish about it?? (Yes, I'm in one of my nether moods this
morning <G>).

Ass if I hadn't noticed!

"A rare fish normally found only in the Amazon was caught yesterday in a New Jersey pond. Researchers believe the fish got to New Jersey the same way as everyone else: by giving up." -Seth Meyers

He should have looked for a cow put out to pasture...an Old Jersey. <G>

Old Jersey is just "Jersey."

& why is New Zealand still allowed to call itself "new"?

"Google is reportedly working on an update to the mobile version of its web browser to make it easier for people to use one handed. So I guess they're finally admitting what most people are using the Internet for." -Seth Meyers

The ads are click bait, so that makes these folks master baiters. :P

You got that right in one!

"A college student in Pennsylvania is suing her school for the C+ she got in a class. She said, 'I'm suing whoever's responsible for this!' And her professor said, 'Don't you mean WHOMEVER?'" -Jimmy Fallon

D-Tention, because you're F-ing mad...and that's the ABC's of it.

& B-lame G-ame, when it's time she Tees up her own responsibility.

"A new poll found that 10 percent of people post vacation photos on social media to make others jealous, and 100 percent of people click on them to see co-workers in a bathing suit." -Seth Meyers

Life and one's friends can seem so boring at times.

I can find better photos in Google. . . (but never on a work computer!)

The hurricane told the coconut tree to "hold on to your nuts, as this is going to be one heck of a blow job".

Q: Howdo you get a one-armed blonde out of a coconut tree?
A: Wave

Hindsight may be 20/20, but I don't have eyes in my butt. However, I wish I did at times...so I could see if the toilet seat was down in a darkened bathroom...or if there was a chair there for when I went to sit down.

I'd call my brother a smart-arse & he'd say:
"better than being a dumb one."
or
"Yup, I can sit on ice cream & tell you if it's chocolate or vanilla"

"At the Plaza Hotel, the lights went off right before a couple exchanged vows. Even worse, the bride had just said, 'God, if this is a mistake, please give me a sign.'" -Jimmy Fallon

Here's Your Sign, Lady. <G>

"Tire go flat?"
"Nope, I was driving along & the other 3 just swolled right up!"
"Heat'll do that!"

I tried to go through the checkout line that noted "10 items or less". But, they wouldn't let me go through, because I had a dozen eggs.

Only one bar code, though, so it's legitimately one item.

Prank: fill your buggy/cart to the brim & piled as high as possible; go up to a person in line who has ONE item, & ask, "Do you mind if I go in front of you, please? I'm in a hurry."

The priest replies, "Get out of there, you idiot. You're on my side!"

Mass Mistake. <G>

Opium for the masses (or is it "them asses"?)

... Don't iron a 4 leaf clover; Never Press Your Luck.

Unless you're playing poker with amateurs, then push, push, press on, & win!

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

George,

I'm partial to chocolate-whipped cream rolls, myself.

I used to devour a dozen chocolate iced donuts...but I've given up
tea, caffeine, chocolate, candy, etc. -- and the downside of that is
caffeine withdrawl, and my migraines are back.

& why is New Zealand still allowed to call itself "new"?

Same thing with New Mexico.

& B-lame G-ame, when it's time she Tees up her own responsibility.

So few want to accept responsibility. That's like the 2 brothers
fighting, and one tells their parents "he hit me first after I hit
him back". I think they both got spanked.

Q: Howdo you get a one-armed blonde out of a coconut tree?
A: Wave

Going down. <G>

"Yup, I can sit on ice cream & tell you if it's chocolate or vanilla"

I've heard of hot cross buns and blue buns (that's what the smurfs
have), but I don't think I'd want to sit on something cold. The
cement seats on a winter day are bad enough (that was the case the
day of my Dad's funeral -- cloudy and 32, with a wind chill of 20.

"Tire go flat?"
"Nope, I was driving along & the other 3 just swolled right up!" "Heat'll do that!"

There you go.

Prank: fill your buggy/cart to the brim & piled as high as possible; go
up to a person in line who has ONE item, & ask, "Do you mind if I go in front of you, please? I'm in a hurry."

Really. Although I've offered to have someone with a full cart go before
me, with only an item or two.

Opium for the masses (or is it "them asses"?)

Or when the family of moles are in the ground for the winter, and it
comes time to come out of the burrow. Well, if the leaders are slow
getting out, the trailers just see mole-asses. <G>

... Don't iron a 4 leaf clover; Never Press Your Luck.

Unless you're playing poker with amateurs, then push, push, press on, & win!

Never mind the Whammies. My favorite was the one breakdancing.

Daryl

... Pity the poor corpuscle, for he labours in vein.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

I'm partial to chocolate-whipped cream rolls, myself.

I used to devour a dozen chocolate iced donuts...but I've given up
tea, caffeine, chocolate, candy, etc. -- and the downside of that is caffeine withdrawl, and my migraines are back.

Ouch -- weird; I've heard of chjocolate causing migraines, but not lack of it. . .

I've cut way back from when I ate a half dozen yeast doughnuts for a bedtime snack & another 6 for breakfast!

& why is New Zealand still allowed to call itself "new"?

Same thing with New Mexico.

Well, NM was blatantly stolen from Mexico & that's what they called it when they attached it to the Union.

& B-lame G-ame, when it's time she Tees up her own responsibility.

So few want to accept responsibility. That's like the 2 brothers
fighting, and one tells their parents "he hit me first after I hit
him back". I think they both got spanked.

Might be he just lost track & those were the last two events he could recall?

Prank: fill your buggy/cart to the brim & piled as high as possible; go up to a person in line who has ONE item, & ask, "Do you mind if I go in front of you, please? I'm in a hurry."

Really. Although I've offered to have someone with a full cart go before me, with only an item or two.

I would, too, depending on the person (grandma type really tired after shoipping so long; plus I'm sitt8ing down, in my wheelchair, so no biggie for me to wait longer. I've been the person stabnbding who was moments away from falling.)

Never mind the Whammies. My favorite was the one breakdancing.

I missed that one; my daughter only likes the show to see what the Whammies do next; she likes the one where they are chanting & marching. . .

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle were down on their luck.
They took one of their prized possessions—The Star of The Empire, one of the worlds largest diamonds—to a famous yet discreet pawn shop outside of Las Vegas to ask for a loan.

The pawnbroker said "So I talked to my buddy who is an expert in diamonds to get his opinion. I can give you $200,000 for it."

Prince Harry said "You must be joking, I had this appraised at nearly 2 million pounds! Don't you know who I am, I'm a prince! My mother is Queen of The United Kingdom, Elizabeth II!!"

The pawnbroker said "$200k, take it or leave it. When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are..."

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)