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Subject: Curry - the spice
Date: Fri, 27 Oct 2017 08:14:09 -0500
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If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's
no Hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take
time to read this slowly. For those of you who have lived in
Natal, you know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry
Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a
parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was
visiting From America.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the
curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers
to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These
people are crazy.
CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off
two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They
had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uraniums pill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows
the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid
pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of
my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like
this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must
admit the chili peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four
people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked
me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good
balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to **** myself
if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one
seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't
feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone
ice-cream.
CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at
this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be
in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the
autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
#3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down
on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor
man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?
Ruben D. Figueroa, Owner
RDFIG Computer Solutions
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<o:idmap v:ext=3D"edit" data=3D"1" /> </o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=3DEN-US =
link=3D"#0563C1" vlink=3D"#954F72"><div class=3DWordSection1><p = class=3DMsoNormal>If you can read this whole story without laughing then = there's <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal> no Hope for = you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take = <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal> time to read this =
slowly. For those of you who have lived in = <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal> Natal, you know how typical =
this is. They actually have a Curry<o:p></o:p></p><p =
class=3DMsoNormal> Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major = portion of a <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> parking lot at the Royal Show in = PMB. &nb= sp; &nbs= p; <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> &= nbsp; &n= bsp; &nb= sp; &nbs= p;  = ; <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named = Frank, who was <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal> visiting =
From = America.  = ; = = <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be =
selected as a judge at a <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> Curry Cook-off. The original person called =
in sick at the last <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal> moment and =
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> asking for directions to the Beer Garden when =
the call came in. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal> I was =
assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the = <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal> curry wouldn't be all that =
spicy and, besides, they told me I <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> could have free beer during the tasting, so I = accepted". =
<o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> &= nbsp; &n= bsp; &nb= sp; &nbs= p;  = ; <o:p></o:p><= /p><p class=3DMsoNormal> Here are the scorecard notes from the = event: &= nbsp; = <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> &= nbsp; &n= bsp; &nb= sp; &nbs= p;  = ; <o:p></o:p><= /p><p class=3DMsoNormal> CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO = CURRY...  = ; <o:p></o:p></p><p =
class=3DMsoNormal> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. = Amusing kick. <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very = mild. &n= bsp; <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal> Judge # =
3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You = <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal> could remove dried paint from =
your driveway. Took me two beers =
<o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal> to put the flames out. I =
hope that's the worst one. = These <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> people are = crazy. &= nbsp; &n= bsp; &nb= sp; &nbs= p; <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> &= nbsp; &n= bsp; &nb= sp; &nbs= p;  = ; <o:p></o:p><= /p><p class=3DMsoNormal> CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN = CURRY... = &= nbsp; <o:p></o:p></p><p =
class=3DMsoNormal> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. =
Slight chili tang. <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more =
peppers to be taken <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> seriously. &nb= sp; &nbs= p;  = ; = &= nbsp; <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal> Judge # 3 -- Keep this =
out of the reach of children. I'm =
not <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> sure what I'm supposed to taste besides =
pain. I had to wave off<o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal> two =
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! =
They <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal> had to rush =
in more beer when they saw the look on my face. = <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> &= nbsp; &n= bsp; &nb= sp; &nbs= p;  = ; <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE = GARAGE" CURRY... <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great = kick. &n=
bsp; <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, =
good use of chili peppers. = <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uraniums =
pill. My nose <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> feels like I have been snorting Drain =
Cleaner. Everyone knows <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> the routine by now. Get me more beer =
before I ignite. Barmaid <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in =
the front part of <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal> my =
chest. I'm getting pissed from all the = beer. &n= bsp; <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> &= nbsp; &n= bsp; &nb= sp; &nbs= p;  = ; <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN = CURRY...  = ; <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no = spice. &= nbsp; <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> Disappointing.  = ; = &= nbsp; &n= bsp; <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. =
Good side dish for <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal> fish or =
other mild foods, not much of a = curry. &= nbsp; <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my = tongue, but was <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal> unable to =
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste = buds? <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me =
with fresh <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> refills. That 200kg woman is starting to =
look HOT...just like <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an = aphrodisiac? = <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> &= nbsp; &n= bsp; &nb= sp; &nbs= p;  = ; <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP = REMOVER... &nb= sp; &nbs= p; <o:p></o:p></p><p =
class=3DMsoNormal> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne =
peppers freshly =
<o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal> ground, adding considerable = kick. Very = impressive. &n= bsp; <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal> Judge # 2 -- = Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must = <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal> admit the chili peppers make a = strong = statement. &nb= sp; <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is =
pouring off my =
<o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal>forehead and I can no longer focus =
my eyes. I farted and four<o:p></o:p></p><p =
class=3DMsoNormal>people behind me needed paramedics. The =
contestant seemed = <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal>offended when I told her that her =
chili had given me = brain =
<o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal>damage. Shareen saved my =
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer = <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal>directly on it from the =
pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning = my <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal>lips off. It really pisses me off that the other = judges asked <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal>me to stop screaming. Screw them. = &= nbsp; &n= bsp; <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> &= nbsp; &n= bsp; &nb= sp; &nbs= p;  = ; <o:p></o:p><= /p><p class=3DMsoNormal>CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN = VARIETY... &nb= sp; = <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal>Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold =
vegetarian variety curry. = Good = <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal>balance of spices and = peppers.  = ; = &= nbsp; <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal>Judge # 2 -- The best =
yet. Aggressive use of peppers, =
onions, <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal>and garlic. = Superb. = &= nbsp; &n= bsp; = <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal>Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a = straight pipe filled with =
<o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal>gaseous, sulfuric = flames. I am definitely going to **** =
myself <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal>if I =
fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No = one <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal>seems inclined =
to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't<o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> feel my lips anymore. I need to =
wipe my ass with a snow cone = <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal>ice-cream. &nb= sp; &nbs= p;  = ; = &= nbsp; <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> &= nbsp; &n= bsp; &nb= sp; &nbs= p;  = ; <o:p></o:p><= /p><p class=3DMsoNormal>CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S = "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" = CURRY...  = ; <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal>Judge # 1 -- A =
mediocre curry with too much reliance on =
canned <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal>peppers.  = ; = &= nbsp; &n= bsp; &nb= sp; <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal>Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, = tastes as if the chef literally threw in a = <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal>can of chili peppers at the last = moment. (I should take note at <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal>this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He = appears to be <o:p></o:p></p><p =
class=3DMsoNormal>in a bit of distress as he is cursing = uncontrollably). &nb= sp; <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal>Judge # 3 -- =
You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the =
pin, <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal>and I = wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, = and <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal>the world sounds like it is made of rushing =
water. My shirt is <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal>covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my = mouth. My =
<o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal>pants are full of lava to match my = shirt. At least, during the =
<o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal>autopsy, they'll know what killed = me. I've decided to stop <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> breathing- it's too painful. Screw =
it; I'm not getting any <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just =
suck it in through the <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> 4-inch hole in my = stomach. = &= nbsp; &n= bsp; <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> &= nbsp; &n= bsp; &nb= sp; &nbs= p;  = ; <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING = CURRY...  = ; <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice =
blend curry. Not <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal> too bold but =
spicy enough to declare its = existence. &nb= sp; <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal> Judge # 2 -- =
This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither <o:p></o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal> mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it =
was lost when Judge <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal> #3 = farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down = <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal> on top of himself. Not =
sure if he's going to make it. Poor = <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal> man, wonder how he'd have =
reacted to really hot curry? = <o:p></o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p = class=3DMsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=3DMsoNormal><!--[if gte =
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--- Platinum Xpress/Win/WINServer v3.1
* Origin: Prison Board BBS Mesquite Tx //telnet.RDFIG.NET www. (1:124/5013)
